Emails to the Empire’s Worst Engineer


For your amusement, a series of email messages by your favorite Star Wars bad guys to the Empire’s worst engineer. Ever. Found on SomethingAwful:

Subject Trash Compactor
Death Star Detention Level Janitor <[email protected]>
Date A Long Time Ago 7:46 PM
To Nardo Pace <[email protected]>

Hey, kid. That trash compactor you designed is up and running and I’ve got to say it looks great. Lots of grime, a magnetically sealed hatch that can’t be opened from the inside, a tentacled garbage creature that practically serves no purpose at all. It’s got everything a salty old janitor could ever want.

One thing, though. It takes an awful long time to flatten garbage. I’m talking a minute or more, depending on how many flimsy poles I toss in there. If our capital ships can boogie at faster than light speeds, why can’t we make a few walls slide toward one another at a speed that outpaces a Hutt’s leisurely stroll?

Subject breathing device too f***in LOUD
Lord Vader <[email protected]>
Date A Long Time Ago 12:20 AM
To Nardo Pace <[email protected]>

yo hey i still dont understand whats going on with this thing

can u put a knob on my breather apperatis so i can turn down the volume when im in the library or sneakin up on maintenence droids? why did u put a speaker on this thing in the first place lol


Subject E-11 Blaster Rifle Calibration Still Off
Stormtrooper Commander 09731 <[email protected]>
Date A Long Time Ago 3:51 PM
To Nardo Pace <[email protected]>

As you know, the E-11 has come a long way since its initial prototype. Thanks to your hard work over the past three years the rifle no longer fires completely sideways, and with your latest revision, the number of casualties resulting from blaster fire being directed completely backwards has been drastically reduced.

That said, the E-11 still has some accuracy issues. We recently bolted one of the rifles to a testing mechanism so that it couldn’t move even a millimeter, then set up a human-sized target six feet in front of the blaster’s barrel. Shooting in two second intervals, we let the E-11 fire at the target continuously for three days.

The result? Not one shot hit the target. I realize you’re busy, but perhaps we can go over the design one more time and iron this out.

Subject Death Star 🙁
Foreman Galhi <[email protected]>
Date A Long Time Ago 8:13 PM
To Nardo Pace <[email protected]>

Keep your chin up, ok? Don’t let the whole “Death Star getting blown up” thing get you down.

It’s really my fault just as much as it is yours. Your original plan called for three weak spots, and I asked you to cut it down to one. If I had suggested we get rid of the weak spots altogether none of this would have happened.

What do we do now? Mope? No. We learn from our mistakes and make an adjustment to the blueprint for the new Death Star I’m working on.

Construction is going great, by the way. As you suggested, instead of constructing a defensive shell around the framework then working my way inward, I’m just building all the cool stuff in the middle first. I think you’re right, it’s the best way to go.

Subject AT-ATs… hell yeah!
Maximilian Veers <[email protected]>
Date A Long Time Ago 10:09 AM
To Nardo Pace <[email protected]>

WOOO! Are you kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me!? These AT-ATs rule!

I cannot believe how awesome they are. I’m personally piloting one on our upcoming operation on Hoth and I can’t wait to stomp on those rebel scum. There’s like, no way to stop these things. I’m a big fan of yours, man. Big fan.

Subject carbonite transport device
Boba Fett <[email protected]>
Date A Long Time Ago 3:17 PM
To Nardo Pace <[email protected]>

I am currently transporting a bounty that has been frozen in carbonite with a device you created. I have been told to direct any questions or comments I might have your way.

This is obviously a new technology, but might I suggest adding a few security measures to the transport device’s control panel? Right now anyone can walk up to this thing and flip a few switches to release the frozen prisoner. I’m thinking a number pad with a secret code would be great, or heck, even a plain old key.

Just a friendly suggestion. Oh, and thanks for the modifications you made to my rocket pack. That “ignition” button square on the back of the pack where I can’t reach it is great.

Subject This darn bottomless shaft in my room
Emperor Palpatine <[email protected]>
Date A Long Time Ago 1:42 AM
To Nardo Pace <[email protected]>

You are responsible for designing my Throne Room, yes? Do not doubt it. I can see the truth inside you. It burns with a twisted blackness that cannot be denied.

I ask you this: Why is there a chasm in my room? Was it really necessary? What purpose does it serve? Nothing useful has ever come of it. In fact, sometimes when I awake in the middle of the night and stumble in the darkness while making my way to the Imperial Restroom, I mistakenly wobble along the shaft’s edge. I also bump my knee on the Imperial Coffee Table, but that is another matter.

I’m expecting very important company today, but I fully expect that you will draw up plans for a grate to cover this errant hole and have someone build it tomorrow. It is your destiny.


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